Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
