So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
