The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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