You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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