i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Still dying that you shit outside
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
