things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
