Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
