Yo dont text me then not text me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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