Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
