Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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