She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
