i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
