Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
