Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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