my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
