Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
