Your mouth is God's brothel.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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