Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
now i know why i became what i already was.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
