This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
