I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I understand Curling. That high.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
