the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
