She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
