I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
