mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
