i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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