Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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