These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
