he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
