I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
