jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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