rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
