i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
