this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
