i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
