At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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