Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.