I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.