i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
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We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come