I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up