Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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