Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
