I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
