So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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