Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
