I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
