thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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