I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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