The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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