If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
