She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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