Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
