Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Verdict: uncircumcised.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
