be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
