I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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