I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
