I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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