Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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