those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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