Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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