WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
