Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
