Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
