Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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