Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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